This I Believe

Growing up I was the “ugly duckling.” All I wanted do was be as beautiful as the girls in the magazines. After being verbally abused by my peers in middle school I decided that I wanted to prove them wrong. I began to change a lot of things such as the way I dressed, the way I acted, and the activities I participated in. By the time I got to high school I was becoming the person I thought I wanted to be. My older sister’s male friends were paying attention to me. I had mistake objectification for beauty.  When I moved to Knoxville from Cincinnati I was recruited to model for an up and coming boutique. I thought my life couldn’t get better. I had finally shown them. The more involved I got in “the industry” I realized that people didn’t care that I had climbed LaConte (the third highest mountain in the Smokies), that I am a great photographer, or that I am a certified scuba diver. They did care, however, that I had relatively big boobs, a little waist, and a good butt.

            Last spring there was a large poster that was put up in downtown Knoxville with a picture of me on it. I went to being anonymous at school to being anything but. People that had never talked to me wanted to be my friend. I thought this was what I wanted until I started dating a boy I had been friends with for a long time.  That week the local newspaper had pictures of a fashion show I had been in over the weekend for a charity called Scarecrow. He showed me the picture and commented, “who would have thought I’d date a model.” I was shocked. I was dating him because of his personality and because I thought he was a good guy while he was only dating me because of my job. I have gotten other comments like that throughout high school but the most offensive was “it would be fun to be seen with you.”

            Since I graduated I have spent a lot of time working on my digital image. I have changed a lot of things on my Facebook in an attempt to show my other interests and skills instead of just showing off the latest pictures from a recent show I was in. I have spent a lot of time trying to show that inner beauty truly is more important than anything else. I am not cocky enough to see my self as beautiful but I do see that I have been objectified. I want to show the world that I am more than different parts of a whole. I realized that I would much rather be known for my obsession with 90s music, or my love of books than that I was in a fashion show. Although I am still in love with fashion and what it says about one’s personality I want to be known for more than just being shown in the clothing. I want to show my worth to society. I believe in personal worth.